Wednesday, 02 September 2015

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Opinion & columns

All this faffing about is making me feel really hungry

Quiet please, I’m counting. Two lettuce leaves, one portion of chips, cauliflower cheese – does that qualify? – and a strawberry jam doughnut.

Last updated 4 April 2014
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Keep your balance over clocks and inclement weather

Spring forward, fall back – that’s the way to do it. Unless, of course, you tend to fall forward after overdoing a spring fling, in which case you’re in deep trouble and won’t care what time it is anyway.

Last updated 28 March 2014
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This coin will bring back memories - if you’re old enough

It was a Methuselah moment. Eyes around the table glazed over in that lights-are-on-but-nobody’s-home fashion; vacancy blanked every face in the room. Then...

Last updated 21 March 2014
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Pity the monolithic monument to tasteless 1960s

Civic Centre abseil photo It happens to every old girl eventually. Remembering how once she was pretty and shiny and fetchingly fresh-faced, she must face the truth painfully in middle age... she’s a blot on the landscape.

Last updated 14 March 2014
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It's true, you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone

It shouldn’t be difficult to flirt again with a little more of what you used to fancy – the stuff that used to do you good. In theory, it should be a mere matter of reclamation. Lemon bon-bons, sherbet dips, stringy twigs of liquorice, a smoke on the top deck of the last bus home...

Last updated 7 March 2014
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Why it never pays to laugh in the face of the law

Somebody I once knew has been up before the beak. He’s up for nothing much at all at the moment – he being under nighttime curfew, electronically tagged and deeply in the doghouse with his missus.

Last updated 28 February 2014
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I’m sticking at 37, where I can be blase about age

You know you’re getting old when you watch a noisy, boozy Brit Awards night on TV and wonder crossly whether an Arctic Monkey’s behaviour will be punished by his mother when he gets home.

Last updated 21 February 2014
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What’s happened to the love-in that was Cumbria Day?

Complicated business, this romance malarkey. Messy too, unless you know how to keep your wits about you.

Last updated 14 February 2014
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I stopped a test match without need to strip off

There’s a man somewhere who is collecting football stadia the way Copeland folks are said to be collecting calories. He’s visiting as many as he can in his allotted lifetime, which appears to impress football fans hugely. Me, less so – which is probably why I can neither recall his name nor remember where he’s from.

Last updated 7 February 2014
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They should not be allowed to get away Scot free

Can’t say I’m entirely up to speed with this Scottish independence thing. Referendum rows are beginning to feel like a party to which nobody thought to invite me.

Last updated 1 February 2014
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Scamology... the science of making money smartly

The findings of some fascinating scientific research were released this week – the like of which we haven’t seen since Alexander Fleming discovered penicillin in his bread bin.

Last updated 24 January 2014
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When cool-headed logic beats passion hands down

I remember passion. It used to get me into all kinds of trouble. But I was younger and sillier and given to displays of feet-stamping tantrums then... weren’t we all?

Last updated 17 January 2014
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Oh sugar! Something else to start feeling guilty about

Putting the cat among shame-faced pigeons, a health conscious harbinger of doom has given us something else to add to our weighty guilt-trip list. (2 comments)

Last updated 10 January 2014
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Taking the plunge is not my idea of a hangover cure

By my reckoning, 2014 starts in earnest on Monday – which is January 6 in old money – because until the first full working week of the year starts, nobody can be expected to know what day it is.

Last updated 3 January 2014
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Here’s to an imperfect Oopsy Daisy Christmas

He wasn’t fooling me. Though he laughed scornfully, he was as proud as Punch – his little girl was making her stage debut.

Last updated 20 December 2013
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‘Just like the onesie I used to know...’

We’re right in the thick of it now. No winter wonderland yet but the season of goodwill and bad tempers is definitely upon us.

Last updated 13 December 2013
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Being flawed no reason not to be outed as fabulous

Margaret Harrison  photo It has been a big week for women of substance. Even as a man, you’d have to admit that. This week, girls have been on top (and I do hope you’ll pardon the expression). They’ve been positioned precisely where great girls always should be.

Last updated 29 November 2013
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Cumbria, you’re great in doing what was right and you’ve done what’s right

Let’s talk about you and me. Or about you, anyway – and the me I hope one day to be. No, I’m not playing for laughs. Not this week. This isn’t a time for smirks and sniggers. Together we’ve reached a cards-on-the-table point. And it’s no laughing matter, when that juncture arrives.

Last updated 16 November 2013
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A codless town but groomed to within an inch of life

I could quite fancy a fishmonger, since you’ve been kind enough to ask. No, not in that way. Do please get a grip. You know very well I’d always demur from being so crude.

Last updated 8 November 2013
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Decisions decisions. Failed TV wannabes... or a camel?

You think you’ve got problems and then, from nowhere, comes an illuminating, distracting perspective.

Last updated 1 November 2013
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Should organ donation opt-in be automatic?



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