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Thursday, 28 August 2014

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Opinion & columns

I miss Steve’s kisses on the bottom (it’s not what you think)

Anybody here know what happened to Steve? Take your time, have a big think. Somebody must know where he went.

Last updated 4 October 2013
Published by http://www.cumberlandnews.co.uk

I’ll pick and choose which animals I want to be saved

Funny business, this badger thing. To cull or not to cull, that’s the question – but where the devil is the answer?

Last updated 30 August 2013
Published by http://www.cumberlandnews.co.uk

Fear not students, everything comes good in the end

A is for August, A-levels and All-together now... Jump! Not me, of course. I’m not into jumping. Never was.

Last updated 16 August 2013
Published by http://www.cumberlandnews.co.uk

Oh lord, there’s a noticeable thrift in spending plans

Not many government edicts can send me searching for my darning mushroom. But on this occasion...

Last updated 9 August 2013
Published by http://www.cumberlandnews.co.uk

Don’t look here for fracking desolation, Lord Howell

All that expensive education; all that privileged, Eton and Cambridge tutoring ... and so little understanding. (2 comments)

Last updated 2 August 2013
Published by http://www.cumberlandnews.co.uk

Don’t whistle while you work - I can’t stand it

There is, by all accounts, a milkman in Leicester who is far too happy for his own good. Leicester is a long way from here, granted. But the moral of his sorry tale of a working life blighted by disciplinary sanction travels well.

Last updated 19 July 2013
Published by http://www.cumberlandnews.co.uk

The old advice may be baffling, but it served me well

Listless. Restless. You know the feeling – a warm night with not a breath of breeze through wide open windows and sleep won’t come.

Last updated 12 July 2013
Published by http://www.cumberlandnews.co.uk

What television needs most is a Cumbrian soap opera

That young woman – the lippy barmaid who can’t decide whether to give her baby away and who’s on the cusp of a fling with her psycho neighbour, whose wife is pregnant with his brother’s child, a secret his meddling mother (whom he once tried to kill) thinks she’s kept from him – you know the one?

Last updated 5 July 2013
Published by http://www.cumberlandnews.co.uk

School was never this expensive, and it was boring

We didn’t do Proms when I was a schoolgirl. We didn’t do much at all beyond dabbing our squeezed blackheads with Clearasil and snipping at each other’s split ends at break times.

Last updated 28 June 2013
Published by http://www.cumberlandnews.co.uk

I can’t hold my breath for long enough to go naked

I like to think there’s a touch of rebellion in all of us. Nothing too wicked, you understand... just a slender slither of occasional deliberate disobedience.

Last updated 21 June 2013
Published by http://www.cumberlandnews.co.uk

I'll join broadband party when my phone works

Unbeatable as it undoubtedly is, living in Cumbria is not without its challenges. I make the assertion advisedly – having spent a large part of an otherwise pleasant evening, hanging precariously from a front bedroom window trying to send an important email on what’s laughingly referred to as my smart phone.

Last updated 14 June 2013
Published by http://www.cumberlandnews.co.uk

I'll join the broadband party when my phone works

Unbeatable as it undoubtedly is, living in Cumbria is not without its challenges.

Last updated 28 August 6014
Published by http://www.cumberlandnews.co.uk

I welcome the sun’s return but I’ll be missing Gerald

Cumberland Show weekend and – whisper it ever so quietly with breath that is bated – it’s looking like the sun might shine.

Last updated 7 June 2013
Published by http://www.cumberlandnews.co.uk

Route 66 now runs all way from Yorkshire to Cumbria

We did Carlisle Music City. By accident. In the rain. And that was when the penny dropped with a decisive clatter.

Last updated 31 May 2013
Published by http://www.cumberlandnews.co.uk

I’d rather have a yoghurt than a commissioner

The week started on a silly note – which is always fun. A giggly little interlude brought about by a generously offered choice that was actually no choice at all.

Last updated 24 May 2013
Published by http://www.cumberlandnews.co.uk

I’d rather have a yoghurt than a police commissioner

The week started on a silly note – which is always fun. A giggly little interlude brought about by a generously offered choice that was actually no choice at all.

Last updated 24 May 2013
Published by http://www.cumberlandnews.co.uk

This language barrier needs fixed before I trip again

Words are tricky little blighters. You learn that early in this line of work. They’re forever lying in wait to ambush the unsuspecting – or should that be for ever? See? Fiendish devils, words.

Last updated 10 May 2013
Published by http://www.cumberlandnews.co.uk

I will not be influenced by kisses on the bottom

This week I was the happy recipient of kisses on the bottom. And not wishing to be boastful in any way, I reckon it’s a fair bet not everybody can say that.

Last updated 26 April 2013
Published by http://www.cumberlandnews.co.uk

Why I kidnapped Tony Blair and lied to David Cameron

I once kidnapped Tony Blair. Funny how you remember these things right out of the blue. Not that he was ever blue – not royal or navy blue anyway. In fact, on the day of his abduction, he’d looked decidedly pinkish – whether from anger, horror or embarrassment was hard to tell.

Last updated 19 April 2013
Published by http://www.cumberlandnews.co.uk

It seems I’m ill as I’m no longer angry with Maggie

This would have been a good week for anyone considering a career change or entrepreneurial launch into anger management services.

Last updated 12 April 2013
Published by http://www.cumberlandnews.co.uk

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