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Saturday, 22 November 2014

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More rain? Well, God is miffed about Higgs Boson

It wasn’t the first instance of deeply perplexing misunderstanding throwing equilibrium out of kilter – not by a long way.

Higgs Boson? Who’s that then? One of Tom Cruise’s hot-shot Scientology divorce lawyers? Sharp suit, bleached teeth, generous discount for bulk ordering guaranteed.

Minimum three acrimonious dissolutions in any two decades, obviously. Body double thrown in for next disastrous courtship.

No? Are you sure?

Porn star then. American, perhaps. Probably Californian, with a Tango-tan. Or Dutch. Decorated lavishly to out-tattoo David Beckham and running to fat a bit around the love-handle area... which hasn’t been loved for a long time. Poor thing.

Wrong again. A friendly intellectual tried some patient coaching.

“Think God particle,” he said slowly. “Without Higgs Boson there would be no mass.”

Ah, Mass. Roman Catholic then. If I were to be in any club, I’d tend to lean towards Anglicanism. Maybe that’s why I’m unfamiliar with Father Boson.

He was less than impressed.

A friendly lady from down Irthington way had also tried to be helpful.

“I thought he was a tennis player,” she offered, in her customary kindly fashion.

It’s good to know you’re not the only one out of the running for a Nobel science prize.

What a week it has been for the easily confused. We hadn’t even had time to enrol for the night-class tuition necessary to get our heads around Libor (does that have anything to do with my Barclaycard?) before Higgs Boson turned up, waving a God particle – which, I’m reliably informed, is not what falls out of trees to make you sneeze on a walk around Talkin Tarn in the mud.

Neither do you have to worry about it making the dog scratch behind his ears.

Actually, so far as I can make out, it has very little to do with God – who probably can’t understand what all the fuss is about either.

If truth be told, God’s likely to be a bit miffed right now. It must be a touch annoying to have your particles messed with, scrutinised, analysed – and lined up for future taxation, no doubt – and then find the six-o-clock news leading with hero worship for this Higgs Boson chap, who merely caught them in his duster, while taking a coffee break from Tom Cruise’s custody battle over high-heeled Suri.

No wonder brains are hurting. Too much indigestible information is being thrown at us from all quarters.

What with banks and that mysterious Libor thing, rough Diamond and MPs dizzy from him running rings round them, God and His particulars – not to mention amber weather alerts for apocalyptic storms – it’s enough to make you want to opt out into a parallel existence.

How do I become a legitimate member of the corrupt classes? Do I have to be rich first? Thought so. Back to square one.

When all said and done, one has to suppose even the filthy rich and Gary Barlow have their problems too. Money can’t buy you sunshine in July – not at home, anyway. Things could be a lot worse... and probably will be by tomorrow afternoon.

According to weather forecasters, we’re in for another Armageddon-style drenching. They tell us with smiles on their faces because it’s being so miserable that makes them happy of a morning – and keeps them that way all day.

Perfect hair and makeup untouched by hint of a shower – and that’s just the blokes – there’s nothing gets them more excited than a yellow warning of summer deluge with high risk of post-precipitation and longer range chance of cumulus over the fells.

Faces beam excitedly as superlatives spill out.

“The wettest summer since records began!”

Thanks pet, we worked that one out for ourselves when the conservatory floated away. And you told us the same last year.

“The best we can hope for now is an Indian summer!”

She’s a cheery one, that weather girl. Indian summers? Don’t they come in winter? Try not to answer that.

The weekend’s set for a Waterworld remake and – though forecasters relish the excitement – I reckon I know who’s having the biggest laugh.

Couldn’t be certain. But when I tell you it’s already raining cats and God particles...

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