She's Nivver Lived by Ethel Fisher

Published at 16:26, Friday, 12 June 2009

God bless our Queen Elizabeth
As she celebrates today.
She's ruled for fifty gae leang eers
In a truly royal way.
Much admired be thoosands
Biaath ut yam, und ower t'sea
She hez money, pooer and property
Yit it seems gae clear tu me -
She's missed an awful lot in life
As she's travellet t'RoyalWay
Things we aw tek for grantid
'Cos thu happen ivvery day.
She lives a totally different lifestyle
Till us lot here und mare
It's the ordinary laal things
She's nivver hed chance to share
So ah've jottid doon a few ut things
Ut t'Queen knows nowt uboot,
Things ah think she might enjoy
If she ivver got t'chance, neeah doot.
For instance -
Hez she ivver used a poop-scoop
When t'corgis couldn't wait,
Stannun wid thur legs crosst
Ootside ut Palace Gates?
Hez she ivver peeped through t'curtins
Theer doon Balmoral Way
Than said "Blow me, it's rainun,
Und ah wuz ganna wesh, tuday!"?
Ah bet she's nivver hed the pleasure
Uf heering Charlie shoot
"Cud yu iron mu a shurt, mother,
'Cos tuneet ah's gaaun oot."
Can yu see her stannun ut t'bus stop
Und t'bus gaaun fleeun past
Than settun off tu to walk doon t'Mall
'Cos that bus wuz the last?
Imagine her stannun dresst tu kill
Amid the royal scene, sayun
"Ah can't gaa oot tut Ballet just yit
Cos t'insurance man hezzunt been."
Ah bet she's nivver known the pleasure
Uf walkun t'bedrum flooer
Wid a howlun babby screamun
When it's past the midneet hoor.
Wat fun us poor mortals hev
Ut t'Queen knows nowt uboot,
Like gitten a bill for t'watter rates
Und tryun tiu sort it oot.
She nivver will hev known the thrill
Afoor she gaas tu bed
Uf putten Philip's bait up
Thans finnds she's short of bread.
Und yu can't imagine her ivver
Beeun stuck for cash, some day
Fower kids askun fur dinner money
Und school bus fares tu pay.
Div yu think she'd borra off t'neighbours
Sayun "Fergit uboot the cost,
Ah'll pay yu back on Tuesda
When me giro comes through t'post?"
She'll nivver hev cawd at t'fish shop
Tu squander a couple uf quid,
On a fish un chip supper, twice ower
Und fower laal patties fur t'kids.
Hez she ivver gethert blackites
Afoor she sgtarts tu biaak
Then waatch awt juice boil t'uvvin ower
Und runnun doon t'sides ut claak?
Could she finnd her way roond Tescos
When thuv shifted aw yu cun see,
Would she appreciate special offers
Like buy in und git one free?
Can yu imaginie her sayun tu Philip
"Luck t'yoghurts ur nobbut hafe price
We'll buy a dozen extra, lad
Und stick thum in t'fridge on t'ice?"
Hez she ivver enjoyed spring cleanun
Uv her varra own accord
Like paperun t'laal back bedrum
Und penntun t'skurtin board?
Hez she been in Marks and Spencers
Tu buy that bra she saw
Then hev a crack in t'queue tu pay
Wid folk she duzzent know?
Ah'll bet she's nivver hed the chance
When Chritismas time draws near
Uf lucken through t'Argos catalogue
Tu buy her presents theer.
Luck at aw the fun we hev
Trailun roond Woolworths store
For Bob the Builder, Barbie dolls,
Und sek like things galore.
She'll nivver know the pleasure
On a Sunda when it's nice
Cawun ut Oily Johnnies
For a meal at knock-doon price.
Yu see - she lives in a palace
Wheer ivvery thing's done for her
Money's theer ut command
Wid neeah need tu borra
But when yu thinks uboot it
She hez problems we dooan't know
Like which tiara tu weer
When gaaun till a late neet show;
Should she gaa in t'bently
ur stick tut old Rolls Royce:
Aw these tough decisions
When she's got tu mak a choice.
Yit as ah said afoor,
Und ah'll repeat it lood un clear
In my opinion she's nivver lived
Like us lot hev, up here.
On tuther hand I admire her
She desarves a bit uf cheer
Cos wid loyalty und stamina
She's reigned fur fity eer.
Und despite wat ah've said uboot her
She's nit a bad sort, I agree
But as for her beeun t'Queen of England
Ah's just glad ut it's her, und nut me!