Last updated at 16:24, Friday, 12 June 2009

"Wat's fur me dinner?" asks Eric
That's a question ah gae often hear
And yu'd nut understand me annsur
'Cos it allus soonds see queer.
So, tu put yu intut picture
Ah've written this laal short rhyme
Tellun yu aw wat happent till us,
Yaa Settadu dinner time.
Uz usual, ah'd been oot sumwhere
And liaat in gitten yam
So ah miaad a 'andy pan u chips
Un oppent a tin uf 'am.
Choppt' am it waaz, wid neeah doot,
So ah slicet it up, tu please,
Lays it theer oot on t'plates
Than waarmt a tin uf peas.
Gits me tiaable cloot put on,
Spreds t'knives un forks oot-pat,
Cuts sum bred, masst sum tea,
Un doon we theer-by sat.
Well, tu cut a gae laang tiaal gae short
We aw enjoyed it weel
And ivvery plate wuz empty
When we'd finished oor meal.
"Ah tell thu wat," sez Eric
Mind that choppt 'am wuz gud,
"Buy sum mare, lass, like it-
Ah really think yu shud."
"Aye" ah sez "I agreed wid yu,
it really waaz gud 'am.
Gaaun late t'tin oot ashbin lad
Till ah mak a note ut t'niaam."
So off he gaas, away doon t'yard
Un wen he browt it in,
Ah gits me pen un papr oot
Tu copy t'niaam off t'tin
Hooivver, afoor ah red its niaam
Ah luckt roond t'back a minnit,
Till ah fund a wurd cawed "Contents"
- Tellun mu waat wuz in it.
Talk uboot gitten yur eyes oppent
Un maakun yu feel a bit kweer
Mine flu roond like win-mills
Wen ah red awt list throo theer.
And wen ah gits tut bottom
Un awt ingredients red,
Ah sez, "Lissen Eric, tu waat yu'v eaten
And enjoyed it - so yu sed."
Theer un than, ah startid
Un me tung got in a twist
Tryun tu pronoonce awt fancy niaams
Rittun on that list, ah sez
"Thoo'se hed Mono Sodium Glutomate
And Emulsifyun Salt
Hydrolised Protein, Potato Starch
Und dried yist spices wid malt.
Sodium Nitrate, un Geletine, Ascorbic acid-like matter,
Cereal flavourings, un binders
Plus multi-coloured watter
Thur’s summat else ut t'bottom" ah sez
"Ah just can’t read it’s niaam,
But he, hesta noticet owt Eric?
- It’s nivver yaance mentiont 'am!"
Eric sat still, gaaun glassy eyed
- Just starun intu space,
Fur yaance- the lad wuz speechless
Then up he gits, un says -
"Hev ah eaten that fur me dinner?
'Ere, give me hod uf that tin,
Thoo needn't tak it's niaam doon
'Coz it’s gaaun reet back in t'bin
And t'next time uf we’re hevvun am,
Ur owt else, bless me sowl,
Gaa theesell off t'rowl."
As ah sed tu start me story
Yu’d nut understand, yu see
We Eric asks waat's fur t'dinner
Just waat me answer med be.
Cos be t'time ah've rhymed off t' Glutumates
Plus owt else ah mun wish,
He’s off doon t'road like leetnin
Tu buy his sell a fish!

First published at 16:18, Friday, 12 June 2009
Published by http://www.cumberlandnews.co.uk